I’ve been extremely open in our journey of loss. That’s just who I am. I didn’t do it to get comments, likes or sympathy. I did it because I am open about everything. It’s who I am. I couldn’t keep it a secret. I knew when we found out that I couldn’t go through it alone.
When we found out we let it sink in for a day and then the next day we told family and friends.
Guys, I’m telling you, even if you aren’t an open person that you need to be open. As soon as I posted our update on facebook, love, support & peace came FLOODING in. Looking back we had the best experience in our circumstance that we could of. The day we came home from the hospital we had our fridge packed with meals from friends and family. We had people drop off cards throughout that week. People drop off hugs and love.. we took the entire week off to just grieve and spoil ourselves with whatever we wanted. My amazing husband bought my a Christmas Starbucks Latte every single morning. I mean, what a guy.
I had people ask me how they didn’t understand how I could possibly be as calm as I was and there is only one explanation for that; Jesus. If you don’t believe in Jesus, I’m so dearly sorry that you do not have him in your life because the peace that flooded into my heart and mind were beyond anything I’ve ever felt.
That’s not to say that we weren’t sad still, but it’s like the deep dark empty hole was somewhat filled with Jesus and his peace. I truly and honestly believe that this happened so I could experience that peace.
That might sound upsetting and ignorant to you. I’m sorry if you have gone through something similar. I’m sorry if you are still hurting. I’m sorry that you can’t make sense of it. But I can honestly tell you that his peace flooded into my heart and it enriched my faith, my husband & I’s marriage and how I treat people and things around me.
What happened to Nolan?
We really wanted to have an open casket funeral for him and them bury in my parents back yard, but it didn’t work out like that. By the time we got him back from the labs, I think about 2.5 weeks went by and so he was shrivelled up and very grey. The funeral home urged us to cremate him, so we did.
We finally got his ashes back 3 days ago and we plan to have a small service for him. The day hasn’t been decided yet, but it will most likely be in 1-2 weeks.
How has your body reacted?
* Skip this part if you are a man or you don’t care to find out the yucky details. *
I bled extremely heavy for about 10 days and then very lightly for another 9. I’ve noticed that my hormones have been all over the place. They’re getting better lately, but the first three weeks were brutal. My uterus has, for the most part, gone down. I no longer look pregnant. My milk never came in, which I’m so grateful for.
What was your experience in the hospital like?
I went into the hospital at 8:30 AM and I met with my midwife, doctor and the nurses. We agreed that at 9 I would get my first dose ( two pills ) of the medication that would dilate me which they inserted vaginally. I didn’t feel much all morning and then around 11:30 I started to get painful contractions. Around 2:30 I finally asked for a pain killer. They inserted 10 mg of Morphin into my thigh and within about 20 minutes my mind became at ease. As for the pain, I still felt it as much as before but Morphin really makes your mind not care. It puts you in a state of submission and peace. At least, that was my experience. They then gave me more dilation pills around 3. I decided to take a little nap and around 5 I woke up and asked if someone could bring me food as I hadn’t eaten since the night before. My dad came in with a meal around 5:20 and I felt like I really had to pee and I felt pressure and then a big gush of water ( my water broke ). I still felt like I had to pee so i went to the bathroom, but then I felt like our baby was already in my vaginal canal, so I went and got back in bed.
Within five minutes, I peacefully pushed our little boy out. He was still inside his amniotic sack and my placenta came out too. I’m one of the lucky ones that didn’t have to go in for a D&C after. Inside his sack, he was in the fetal position and was the size of a large avocado.
After pushing him out, they broke the sack and let us spend some time with Nolan before they took him away to prepare him to be shipped to Vancouver for testing. These moments were so precious to us and I’m so thankful that I had these moments to say goodbye.
They took hand/foot prints of our baby and our good friend, Ricci was at the hospital all along and was shooting photos of Nolan and the entire process which we will forever be grateful for.
Will you get pregnant again?
Yes, we will. Nolan was our mistake baby and he wasn’t planned at all. I had the worst pregnancy imaginable probably since it wasn’t viable from the start. But after loosing him it made us realize that our family isn’t complete at five. We have a special spot in our hearts for Nolan and we are excited to someday welcome a 4th baby into our family. After all, life isn’t about money, it’s truly about who you share it with.
Sitting here now I’m really grateful for the experience we had. It was beyond painful and our hearts ached for so long and still ache from time to time. But I feel like it enriched our marriage, our love for our kids and our outlook on life.
Yes, getting pregnant someday will be extremely hard and I will probably fear throughout the entire pregnancy as you never know what the future holds. But if there is anything I can tell you, it is to hold you loved ones dear. Do not take for granted what you have. Since I had three very healthy pregnancies before our late miscarriage, I simply took for granted of how precious life is. I never thought I would be one of the victims to lose a baby so far along. I never thought that I would have to deal with that kind of pain.
If you know someone going through this, do not let them suffer in peace. Do not give them space. Send them a message, drop a card off, give them a meal, give them a hug. Even send them a verse.. but never let someone suffer alone. Being alone in your pain is one of the worst feelings that anyone can ever experience and most times, people spiral into a deeper depression. This is why I think I am able to heal and smile. I was so open with so many people and really allowed myself to grieve and cry.
Miscarriage shouldn’t be taboo. Don’t let it be.
If you’re going through this right now. Please know that I love you, I’m rooting for you. Please know that there is happiness around the corner for you. You will learn to live again. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad and give yourself grace.